jeansinjeans

Hey in-jeaners,

I think I need to come up with an endearing name for my followers & subscribers. “In-jeaners” was the best I could come up with right now (as in I am jean’s in jeans (jean’s as in a contraction I made for ‘Jean is’ not a possessive as in the pants belong to me (though I hope if I am wearing them, they are mine))) & everyone who is reading it is not me, but are blank in-jeans but I have to add the “er” to make it to address a person. When my dad comments on the papers I write he always tells me my sentences are run on or too long but I honestly don’t understand what he means.

New Year Question

I have asked almost every person I have encountered since the start of the new year, “what are three words or values you want to bring into the new year & be what are you looking to put out or receive in the new year?” I have gotten a lot of good responses, from open-mindedness (argued about one or two words), efficacy, & kindness. My words are: abundance, authenticity, & gratitude.

For abundance, I want a rich & full life. I think I have really beat myself down for having so much in my life because a lot of it is excess. I have so many photos on my phone (100,000+), I have clothes that are all over my room & spilling into other parts of the house, I have books that are taking up a whole wall of my room, I feel bad sometimes & think if I had less stuff I would appreciate the few things I do have. While I do believe that this is true, I also appreciate the abundance of stuff I have & am willing to give or lend- I have books that I am reading & re-reading, giving clothes to my friends or donating them, etc. Outside of a materialist standpoint, I have so many friends that I love, teachers that I still talk to or think about, hobbies I love. Sometimes I feel bad- if I were to have less friends, maybe I would be able to love them more, maybe if I had less teachers I loved, the ones I do like, I would write to more. But that can’t be true.

I was talking to my family at dinner about these three things & my sister heavily agreed about abundance & an abundance mindset. An abundance mindset is the idea that there is an infinite amount of resources (success, happiness, wealth, etc). I also saw a video about a man talking about emotions not having a shelf life, (which ties into both the abundance mindset as well as my feeling-bad-about-having-a-lot). He was talking to his kid who was upset about their best friend starting to have more friend. The dad took his kids favorite stuffed animals, two matching dogs, & asked if they only had one of them, would she love that one dog any less. The kid of course said no, she couldn’t imagine loving the stuff dog anymore, regardless of having one or two, to which the dad explained that just because her friend is having more friends & hanging out with more, does not mean that friend loves her any less. He went into the idea that in, especially western culture, we often feel like we have to “get over” things or have an amount of time when we are allowed to feel something but then must continue on. He argued that this would care on into more feel good emotions, feeling like we must have a reason to feel good or happy, & that it will only last for a while.

In conclusion, I have this great ability to love & this great want to share that love, regardless of how much I have. I have over a hundred thousand photos because I found over a hundred thousand things I love & wanted a photo of. I have photo of the beach, of my friends, of a really good salad my mom made, of my stats class that I disliked but found joy in, in the weather on a particularly overcast day. I have the ability to have an expanding & infinite amount of love for the people & things around me that, no matter how much or little I have, I have enough love & space for it. Abundance was one of the words I chose for this new year because I want as much stuff & things & people & ideas as I can love in my life, as much stuff as I can until it spills over into everything I do & every person I meet, & I have enough to give & to share & to spread & to help others in whatever capacity I can. That is the abundance I want.

Authenticity was my second word. This came through in a couple of forms. Firstly, I want to live an authentic life. I often feel that there is a lot of things I should do & I often succumb to others requests (or at least my interpretation of those). I want to start spending my time & energy as I chose, doing what I genuinely want to do & choosing things that align with who I am, my values & morals, & how I want to present myself in the world. I once told someone that I thought people felt so comfortable around them because they were so confident in being themselves, it didn’t feel like you had to be anyone else around them. I want to be so genuinely myself that others can be who they want. The authenticity I also want to see from myself is saying what I mean. Many know that I can be sooo passive aggressive. I don’t like upsetting people, I don’t like confrontation, I don’t like saying anything I think will upset the peace. But this frequently leads to misunderstanding, hurt feelings, assuming, lots of time & energy, & more problems. I have a lot of good friends who are understanding & reasonable people who I am starting to feel comfortable saying what I mean to, but it is definitely a work in progress. This also goes for the people I surround myself with. With people who are more passive aggressive, it can be a lot of walking-on-eggshells or just guessing how they feel or what they want, which can be guessed & assumed wrong. It also makes it harder for the people around you to know what you want & they spend more energy on that than building the friendship or getting to know you. This also came with a sub point of wanting to be less forgiving. This one will be hard for me as I like to have things smoothed over as soon as possible, I love forgiving people regardless of how much I was affected by things. This does not mean being less understanding or unempathetic or uncompassionate, it is more making space for me & my feelings. I want to be able to be upset about a situation or at a person, without it being a large ordeal. To be able to have that space & time to be upset & have feelings, but ultimately resolve a situation.

Gratitude was my final word. I want to be able to find the good & be so annoyingly grateful for everything that no matter what, there is good & beauty in everything. Gratitude, to me, is one of the ultimate states of receiving. It is “thank you” energy, it is “I have so much anything else just adds to my beautiful life.” I really had to practice my gratitude yesterday. I really wanted to go the The Getty with my friends as an early birthday celebration, as a lot of them were leaving before my actual birthday. We all get in the car & I drive up an hour into LA only to be told there was no parking available. We wait an hour or so & return back in hopes of more open spots, but unfortunately, they are still turning around cars. We head back home to avoid that harshest parts of rush hour but in my head, I am upset. I was excited for this trip, I wanted to see the art at The Getty, we had tickets, & I dragged my friends to LA, only to not get in. I practiced gratitude. I am so lucky I have friends at home that are willing to celebrate my birthday with me, who aren’t mad that we’ve essentially wasted a day driving only to not see the museum, who came up with an alternate plan to go to the beach instead, friends who funny & like to talk in the car to pass the time, that I have a family who moved around my wants & let me take the car for the day, a family who is able to afford the quarter tank it took to get there, etc. There was so many great things about that day & my friends that I found I was able to be happy about & find the good in, even if the day was a bit disappointing I didn’t fully get to do what I wanted.

i love my life

This post is already so long so just to wrap it up shortly. Tonight I saw a dear friend that I haven’t seen in a while but really really love & admire. We caught up, chit chatted about so much, & leaving that hang out, my heart felt so full. She is among the many beautiful & kind & funny & creative & smart friends I have. I am so incredibly lucky to have the support system & life I do, to have the resources & opportunities I have, & to have the ability to vocalize & experience the joy of all these things.