I was having a conversation with my parents last week after we had gone to a grand opening event for my mother’s work. My parents have very different levels of enthusiasm when it comes to talking and conversing, especially in business or dinner-party-esque type situations. My father loves to talk, joke, chitchat, and at his department parties, will just go on about various topics. My mother does not care as much for these types of events. I would argue that I lean closer to my dad in terms of fondness for theses types of situations, possibly even enjoying them more than he does.
But after the grand opening party, I was talking to them about small talk and how I just LOVE small talk. I love a little surface level chit chat, getting to know the person, meeting new individuals to engage with. I gave them a run down on what I think is important when small talking and what parts I believe make small talk easier and better.
This post will be what I know about small talk and how I view it.
The most important part of small talk is to make the other person comfortable. Whether that is through jokes, body language, engaging conversation, or your own comfortability, you are trying to make the other person feel comfortable speaking to you.
I have a couple ways that I have learned to do this and to go in enjoying small talk.
Be Interested and Interesting
Believe everyone has something you can learn. Whether it’s about an occupation, a hobby, or to simply learn about their life and who they are as a person, they have something that is interesting to you. When I meet someone, it is like a whole new world or new book I get to meet. Who are they as a person, what is their life like, what do they do for work, what to do they for pleasure, how do they engage differently with the same world I do. If you are interested in people it is easy to ask them questions. (And people love talking about themselves).
I often do not think of myself as a terribly interesting person, I feel like I am a college student who does some things here and there but nothing incredibly remarkable. But if someone shares an anecdote or story, it becomes so much easier to be interesting if you can share a relatable experience. If you are interested in them, you become interesting to them.
It is so important when participating in small talk to SHARE. I have been in so many conversations asking questions to the other person to receive the most simple, unresponsive answer. Give the person(s) you are talking with CONTENT to dig deeper into. For example if someone asked me the question “what is your major at school?” some would simply answer the question directly and straightforward. “Sociology.” But if I were to answer as “I am a sociology major and a politics minor but I think I want to go into marketing or corporate after” that infinitely expands where that conversation can go.
If the roles were reversed and I was to ask someone what their major was to only receive a one word answer, I would try to get them to share more so a conversation could spark and continue. “Oh I have some friends who do that!” or “oh that’s interesting! Do you know what you want to go into after college?” “How did you get into that? I have always thought it was interesting but I don’t know a lot about it.” Enthusiasm matched with genuine interest opens the field for rich small talk.
Find Relatability and Common Ground
Directly carrying off the previous section, find something you both have in common. Creating relatability shows that you are not that different and have things to talk about. Finding that relatability does a number of things on top of that. It shows that you both have something you can both talk about that the other will find interesting, it shows that you find at least some aspect of them (for lack of better words) “acceptable” (that you will not judge them for whatever they shared), and that you are also willing to share in the conversation and have it continue. One-sided conversations, where one person is unwilling to share, can often feel like an interview or a probing, reluctant interaction. Finding that common ground shows that the similarity and people tend to like people who enjoy similar things as them.
If you go in cold and know nothing about the person, what information can you pull about them simply from the environment. Do you know who they are, are they wearing anything that displays something about them, what context are you meeting them in (for a specific event, for a specific person, etc), is there a compliment you can give them (if it is an appropriate situation), is there something you think you both can relate to, is there an observation about the surroundings or scene you can make to engage/ welcome them into conversation. All of that is “finding common ground” and can spark conversation
Be Inviting
It is hard to talk to someone if they seem unwelcoming to conversation. If you meet someone who is friendly, enthusiastic, and energetic, it is easy to carry conversation because you know they want to talk to you. This energy can come across in a variety of ways. Your intonation, your body language, and what you are saying all convey how welcoming you are to talking with someone. I would argue that your tone and body language are significantly more important to displaying a feeling of inviting and warmth than your words. Jokes, laughter, sarcasm, and banter can all be ways to convey that you are enjoying their presence and conversation, making the conversation more enjoyable for everyone.
If you are comfortable, be that person who invites others into the conversation, especially if they look as if they don’t have someone to talk to. How great is it when someone asks you to join their group or makes an effort to include you in their conversation. If you can, be that person.
I could write extensively about this but this will conclude part one of my chitchat chats. This summer working at my school’s admission office, I have had countless opportunities to practice small talk, ice breaking, and cold intros. It is still just as scary to start speaking to people after you’ve done it 100 times but the more you work on it, the better you may become at it.
It takes a lot to start talking to people but once you break the initial “barrier” everything becomes simplier. If you believe you are allowed to take up space and you are just as deserving to speak to this person as anyone else, that you can learn from them, and at the end of the day, they are also just a person, you will be okay. And it all takes practice. The more you can do it in low stakes situations, the better you can perform when it matters. And if it was meant for you, it will be.
jeansinjeans 
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