jeansinjeans

“life is embarrassing. my mere existence is humiliating. I would rather be embarrassed telling someone I loved something than anything else”

– poorly paraphrased from a few weeks ago

I get embarrassed very easily. Whether that be because I am scared to be perceived, I have a problem with the idea of taking up space, or many other deeply seed issues, I cannot escape it. I get embarrassed frequently.

I remember one class from last semester where I had sent an email to my professor the night before, just word vomiting a thought I had about the class prior. The class the day after I sent the email, everyone sits down & the professor stares as me & tells the class we are beginning with an email I had sent him. Dread & panic set in. He asks me if he can read it, which is grudgingly agree to, (HE ASKED IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS, WHAT ELSE CAN I SAY), & he starts to read the most poorly constructed email of my 12:30 am word dump. I feel my face go hot, I look down at my hands, & I wait for it to be over. Nothing I said in the email was incorrect or inappropriate, it was a genuine conversation I wanted to have around a topic that I was really interested in. But to me, that fact everyone heard my poor writing, heard me ask a question I can only assume they knew the answer to, was so embarrassing.

I love to compliment people. Friends, workers, strangers, peers, dogs, I love compliments. But I get so embarrassed. I worry that someone will wonder why I am talking to them, maybe I come off as ingenuine, maybe they think my comment is weird or created to make fun of them. Sometimes I work up the courage to tell them, but sometimes I don’t. And everytime I don’t tell someone, I regret it. I see them walk away & always wish I had told them.

I slowly began to realize that I am embarrassed by everything. I am embarrassed to raise my hand in class, to order food, to talk to someone I don’t know very well. Existing is embarrassing because you just don’t know anything. If you will mess up, who is watching, who is judging, what other people will think. I have slowly realized that if everything is going to be absolutely humiliating & embarrassing, I want to be embarrassed by telling someone I like what they are wearing or I love being friends with them. If I feel embarrassed all the time, it may as well be for love & to try to make someone feel better.

So tell your friends you love them & then be embarrassed that it was mushy. Tell a stranger you like their glasses & then run away because you don’t know why you talked to a random person & interrupted their day like that. Write a blog & tell some friends about it & then say “no no no” when they say they love it. If you are going to be embarrassed through life, you may as well do it for a good reason.